Eternal Helpmates

Tuesday Tips - 07/07/2009

2009-07-07T06:03:00.004-05:00

How many of you have ever heard of Laura Brotherson? If you are not acquainted with her yet or her blog yet. Let me suggest that you spend some time taking a look at some of her work. In her most recent blog entitled Love Letters she writes about how this "action" of expressing love leads to "feelings" of love and reminds that actions always follow feelings not the other way around.

Our early relationship depended on love letters to keep us going as Mark was on his mission. Today love letters also help to remind us and renew us with our love for each other. If it has been some time since you last wrote to your sweetheart, get inspired by Laura's post and then write something to your spouse today. He or she will love it.

Philosophy Friday - Don't Run Away

2009-07-03T06:00:00.001-05:00

I hope that all of are having a wonderful Fourth of July weekend. For us, we are traveling up to Ohio to see Julie Beth's family.

In keeping with the music theme for this week, we wanted to share with you some of the lyrics in one of the Amy Grant songs that we love so much. The song is called Love Can Do. These lyrics express well one of the philosophies that we believe strongly. We will give you a chance to read them first and then we will have a few quick words about them.

Love can do things you never thought it could
Mend a hurt so bad, make you feel so good
Loves for fools, wise enough to take a chance
Hear the music girl, let me see you dance

No this ain't the movies
Now it’s give and take
And it’s your heart at stake

Hey you little girl running out so fast
Gotta stay put for love to last
Why you gotta say
That love has gone away
It’s not like that

Everybody hurts when the feelings fade
If you want ‘em back you know you gotta stay
No running, and loves coming back
Like only love can do

Love Can Do, Amy Grant - The Collection

It takes a commitment to make love work. Plant those feet firmly on the ground and stay in the relationship. The only reason we ever could come up with for why we would ever divorce would be for reasons of continued, unrepentant abuse and adultery. Everything else, we willing to work through one way or another. What we decided may or may not be appropriate for your relationship. The point though is that we have a really clear definition of what we will and will not tolerate in our relationship. This means that we have no place to run and hide when something gets too emotional or difficult. Love is an action not a feeling. And the most frequent action that we take that demonstrates our love to our spouses is waking up each day and committing to stay with them all over again.

Tuesday Tip - 06-30-2009

2009-06-30T11:43:00.004-05:00

Wow it has already been six months since we started this blog. We did so for two basic reasons. First and foremost it was a way for us to strengthen our own relationship by focusing on what where were doing (and thinking) right. Second we started this blog to be a resource for others and their marriages. We feel a strong call in our lives to provide help and support for those attempting to keep their marriages together.

This week, we have been thinking about music and how powerful a tool it is to bring back forgotten feelings. It seems that almost everyone has a favorites song or artist that is able to evoke strong emotions. For us, it is just about every song written and sung by Amy Grant. We played them a lot when were dating. We even went to an Amy Grant concert a once while dating(see Our Story - Part 20 coming this Sunday). Now when we play them today, we are transported back to those early days of our relationship over and over.

So do you have such songs? When is the last time you played them? They may be a really good way to help both of you remember why you fell in love with each other.

Our Story - Part Ninteen

2009-06-28T19:11:00.002-05:00

Mark and Julie Beth - There is another event during this time frame that sticks out in our memories. There was one evening that Julie Beth called Mark just for a short chat. However, what was to be just a few minutes stretched into half an hour, then an hour, then several hours. In the the end, we both stayed on the phone talking until about three or four in the morning.

A lot of it was us talking about our future together and what type of parents we were going to be and what type of couple we wanted to be. We also talked philosophy answering such important topics like what type of personality color (based on the Dr. Taylor Hartman's Color Code) that the Savior has.

It was in this conversation or another one in this time frame that we negotiated out all the holiday traditions that we were going to have in our family. We decided that we really didn't want to do Turkey and Ham every major holiday. So for Christmas we decided to have Christmas Lasagna. We have since learned that this is a big Italian tradition but we didn't know that at the time. We just thought we were being very unique.

Mostly it was just an opportunity to hear each other talk and hear each other. It was almost like we were both trying to take in deep breaths as quickly as possible, knowing that such conversations were likely to happen at all for two years in just a couple short months. We just barely found each other but soon we'd far away from each other once again.

What this marathon conversation meant to us was that we could talk to each other. We could communicate our likes and our dislikes. We were able to compromise. It also showed us how much exercising our intellectual selves was fun to do. Even today, there are still fun late night conversations. The only difference is that Mark is not as capable of staying awake as late. The comforting voice of Julie Beth has so soothing an effect on him that he usually falls soundly asleep with very happy dreams

Philosophy Friday - Finding True Happiness

2009-06-26T20:30:00.003-05:00

We believe that in order to find genuine intimacy with your spouse, you must first find yourself. This means knowing who you are and what you stand for. This means developing and maintaining interests separate from your spouse. We know that this goes against common logic. Many believe that couples need to share things together to find closeness. The reason why this doesn't work is that you set yourself for expecting that your spouse will create happiness in your life. In reality, it is is your responsibility to find happiness in life on your own. There are many ways to do this but we suggest a dependence and connection to Heavenly Father as the best means. Then once you have found this stream of happiness inside yourself, you will be free to share it with everyone you know including your spouse.

Tuesday Tip 06-23-2009

2009-06-23T07:37:00.002-05:00

Are you and your spouse having frequent conflicts over money? If so, a change may be needed. All of us grow up with different values and experiences about money. We need to realize that some are savers and some are spenders. And some need to have every penny planned out ahead of time while others make purchases on the spur of the moment. Some will only buy things that are on sale. Others make purchasing decision based on quality or need.

It is important to recognize and be honest with yourself about how you use money. Then you can begin to have honest conversations with your spouse on how best to handle it in your household. This may mean that some one new may need to handle paying the bills. Or you may need to do it together for awhile. Setting up a Budget together is always a good idea because it gives both of you the opportunity to set the priorities. Compromise is a must on the really hard topics. The two of you need to figure out a plan and adjust as needed. Otherwise, the money will begin to tear you apart.

Philosophy Friday - How Your Helpmate Helps

2009-06-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

We believe that you are married to your spouse for a reason. It wasn't some random set of events that brought the two of you together. There was an attraction. There was a purpose. And there was meaning. It is your job understand what they are and the answers are as varied and the diversity of humankind.

However in your search for understanding behind your relationship, remember Heavenly Father's purpose for your relationship. He gave you someone who would naturally find your weaknesses and magnify them. It is your choice to see that as a special gift to help encourage you to become a better person or to run and hide and be angry about facing this unhappy truth. We like to instead believe that marriage was given to us to give us a fairy tale, happily ever after kind of life. But this is nothing more than an illusion. Eternal bliss in marriage is a myth.

If you ask a couple who has been married for thirty, forty, or fifty years they don't describe perfection in their relationship. They admit that at times there was great pain. However, because of their commitment to each other, they stayed together through better and worse. In fact, they usually admit that the hard times eventually brought them closer together and made them better people.

We suggest that you give thanks to Heavenly Father that He gave you a spouse that points out the defects in your character. See it as a blessing rather than a curse. Listen closely to what your spouse points out as your weakness and be bold in your commitment to overcome that flaw. It is by this means that your Eternal Helpmate will help you to return back and meet your Father in Heaven.

Tuesday Tip - 6-16-2009

2009-06-16T06:00:00.000-05:00

Marriage will always have up and downs. It is part of the natural rythm of life. What you do when things are down demonstrates the character of the individuals and the relationship. What follows are a list of ten positive things that you can do when things are down.

1.) Turn to Heavenly Father and ask Him for guidance.

2.) Remind yourself of why you married your spouse.

3.) Do what is right regardless of where your heart is.

4.) Make a list of the positive atributes of your spouse.

5.) Hold tight to the hope that things can get better.

6.) Talk positively to others about your spouse.

7.) Make time in your schedule to spend with your spouse.

8.) Ask your spouse what you can do to make things better.

9.) Be quick to forgive and slow to anger.

10.) Provide service to your spouse with no expectations.

Our Story - Part 18

2009-06-14T08:15:00.007-05:00

Julie Beth and Mark - By this point, there was only six weeks left until the end of the fall quarter. Mark would need to leave his Wright State dorm and return home three hours up north to his parent's house. Then after that, he'd be gone on his mission for two years to some unknown part of the world.

We made full advantage of that time. Julie Beth came to visit Mark on campus nearly every night after work. On off days she would stop off during the day and meet Mark between classes and either share Breakfast or Lunch together. We enjoyed each other's company and did a lot of talking and planning for our future.

It was one of these evenings together, that Mark completely broke down in tears and confessed that he was hopelessly in love with Julie Beth. He went on and said that if she had any doubt about where things were going she should leave now because he wasn't going anywhere. He was making an eternal commitment to her. Julie Beth shared that she had no intentions of going anywhere. She promised that there would be no Dear John letters on his mission either. No other guys would be entering into her heart. Unless of course you count the children we'd be having together.

From time to time, we bought gifts for each other. We quickly built up a pile of board games we'd play with each other and get pizzas to eat. It was during this time, that we learned just how competitive we both were. Neither of us liked to loose at anything. So other than the occasional game of Clue Museum Capers we made sure that we never put one of us ahead of the other. We became partners in our adventures together.

These weeks are sweetest weeks in our memories. They are the treasured foundation that the rest of our lives together were built on. We knew without a doubt that we were eternally committed to each other and that we would have fun doing it too. While formal engagement was not permitted due to the rules of Mark's upcoming mission, there was no doubt that our hearts were permanently knitted together.

Philosophy Friday - Treating Depression

2009-06-12T06:00:00.001-05:00

We believe that depression is curable and when treated properly can improve an ailing marriage relationship. We know this first hand. Both of have suffered from severe depression at different stages of our relationship. At our worst point in our relationship, we were both dealing with it at the same time. Neither of us wish to go back to those dark days.

The best proven treatment of severe depression is a combination of medication and therapy. We will talk briefly about both. The most widely used class of medication used effectively for depression is Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as Prozac, Zoloft, or Paxil. These medications do not alter brain chemistry or change a person's personality. The best way to explain how they work is plugging up a hole in a bucket. In major depression naturally produced serotonin which is responsible for the sensation of happiness, drains too quickly. SSRIs stop this draining from occurring too quickly. It takes anywhere from 4 to 6 weeks for the medications to take effect. If they don't make a difference after that time, then it wasn't really depression. While this class of medications is newer, they are relatively safe when administered by a doctor. In fact more deaths are attributed to aspirin each year than with all SSRI medications combined.

The most commonly used therapy for depression is cognitive therapy. The basis of cognitive therapy is that thoughts lead to emotions. Discovery reoccurring patterns of thoughtsthat lead to depression and reframing them in a positive but true format is the goal of cognitive therapy. It is both paradoxically as simple and as difficult as thinking your way to wholeness again. However, those suffering from depression need a kind outside perspective to guide them on this journey. For those suffering from mild depression may be able to turn things around on their own maybe with some self help books. However, severe depression rarely gets better on their own and it isn't unheard of to suffer from it for years or even decades when untreated.

Therefore, our message today is that sometimes, the most effective way to help a suffering marriage is to first treat a suffering soul. If you are one of those suffering in such a way, please consider seeking treatment.

Tuesday Tip 06-09-2009

2009-06-09T06:00:00.000-05:00

Depression affects approximately 14 million adults in America today. And even though married people are less likely to be depressed, it is only a small percentage drop. That means that a whole lot of marriages in America has a least one person depressed. Having one or more partners dealing with depression can have a tremendous strain on any relationship.

Click here to find a link to a website where you can take a test to find out if you or a loved one is dealing with depression. Tune back on Friday where we will give some basic suggestions for ways to deal with depression.

Our Story - Part 17

2009-06-07T06:00:00.006-05:00

Our next big date was a couple days later. Mark needed to go see a play for one of his classes but neither of us had money. So we volunteered as ushers and then were able to see most of the play for free. The name of the play was Born Yesterday. We wish we could tell you that the play was really good. However, neither of us has any memories of the play. We were too in love with each other. We instead remember flirting, holding hands, and cracking a lot of jokes with each other. Mark even wrote in his journal afterwards that he was deeply in love with Julie Beth and found her to be the most beautiful, captivating woman he'd seen.

It was also about this time that we had the most famous conversation of our all dating (yes even more famous than naming all our kids). We were talking about big huge "where were you when" events. For example where were you when you heard about Pearl Harbor or when JFK was shot. Both of us were too young for either of those two events. The only one we had in common was the Challenger accident. Julie Beth began to explain that she was right there on Wright State's campus. She came out of class and everyone was making jokes about the shuttle exploding. She asked one of her friends why all the shuttle jokes and found out about the accident.

As Julie Beth explained this whole story, a huge grin broke out all over Mark's face. No Mark was not insensitive about the Challenger Tragedy. You see, Mark explained that he was school when he found out about the challenger accident. Mark's principal came in to tell the whole class. It was when Mark remembered what grade he would have been in that he realized how big an age difference there really was between the two of us. It turns out that while Julie Beth was a sophomore in college no less, Mark was only in elementary school in the sixth grade. That is a an eight and a half years difference in age.

Julie Beth famously adds in as we share this part of our story together, that during all those years that she was fervently praying to Heavenly Father to ask where her husband was. She now knows that at least for awhile the answer back to her was "Julie Beth, you will need to be patient. Your husband is still in elementary school. You need to wait until he grows up." :)

Our Story - Part Sixteen

2009-05-31T20:07:00.003-05:00

A few days after the Halloween Stake Dance, the two of us went on a date to the local mall. We planned to do some window shopping since neither of us really had a lot of money. But rather than looking at clothing or music as others our age might have been doing, we were looking at furniture. It was fun to imagine together what our future home would look like.

Neither of us saw all this as being strange. Even though we had only been officially dating for ten days at that point, we instead wanted to squeeze in as much preparation for getting married as we could. Mark would be leaving for a mission in a couple of months. Time for doing things like planning our future would have to be put on hold for two years. And both of us are planners. Neither of us had any doubt that we would be married shortly after Mark's mission.

In passing a Jewelry store, Julie Beth suggested that we stop in for a little bit. Julie Beth pointed out styles of rings that she liked. Then Julie Beth saw a marquis stone emerald ring surrounded by diamonds. She fell in love with it instantly. Her face beamed with the hugest smile. After walking away from the Jewelry store, Julie Beth talked how she hoped she could find a ring just like that for an engagement ring. Seeing how much Julie Beth liked the ring Mark took a page from how we had started dating and suggested that we not wait to find something like what she would want but to get the real thing. There we stood and looked at each other. Were we really going to do this? Yes we were. We put the ring on lay away with plans that Julie Beth would finish paying it off while Mark was on his mission. Julie Beth was going to store it under her bed until Mark could return and formally give it to her for real.

Philosophy Friday - Being Equal

2009-05-29T18:16:00.001-05:00

We believe that our spouses are our equals. Intellectually this may sound obvious. But does it happen very often in reality? We have observed relationships where a one spouse views their partner as fix-it-up project. And what about a relationship where arguments are frequent. Regardless of what the arguments are about, doesn't an argument inherently infer that both spouses believe that they are better (more right) than the other?

We aren't saying that conflict is wrong or bad because we believe that they are inevitable. However, we do think an attitude of superiority by one or both spouses is destructive to a marriage.

Take this time to reflect on your view of your husband or wife. Deep down do you think that you know more or are better than your spouse? If so, this attitude is causing problems in your relationship. The opinions of your spouse matter. You don't need to agree to his or her opinion, but your spouse does need to be heard.

Our Story - Part Fifteen

2009-05-24T09:06:00.005-05:00

The following weekend after our first date was going to be the Stake Young Single Adult Dance. It was going to be a costume themed dance for the upcoming Halloween holiday. The two of us debated what we would show up as. We really wanted to make an impression on everyone else. Plus it would be the first time among our friends officially as a couple. What we settled on was Mama Martha and Papa Zeke. They were a pair of characters we made up over the summer.; an elderly married couple who frequently misunderstood what they were saying to each other. Lots of the Young Single Adults had heard our routine. Now they would see us in full costume.

We put on a ton of makeup and got some really old style clothing complete with suspenders for Mark. When we looked in the mirror at the final product, it was absolutely perfect. We had completely transformed ourselves. We both got into character and practiced our routine on the way over to the Stake Center. When we arrived, everyone kept doing double takes and tried to figure out who the old dudese were that showed up at their Young Single Adult Dance. The dim lights of the gym did a wonderful of disguising who we were really. The entire evening, we never broke character.

We think that the absolutely most funny moment of the evening was when the disc jockey played the infamous chicken song. And poor Martha and Zeke just couldn't keep up with everyone else. So they were thrown in the middle of the circle of everyone else dancing as they desperately tried to keep up. Everyone was laughing so hard.

The evening was one of those moments that really bonded the two of us. Many of friends told us later that it was during that evening that they really knew we would made a fantastic couple together. They even snickered as they said that they could see us growing old together. We intend to do that, but hopefully a little more gracefully than Mama Martha and Papa Zeke.

Philosophy Friday - Who's Problem is It?

2009-05-22T20:11:00.003-05:00

We believe in looking at marital problems in terms of “our” problem versus “his” or “her” problem. We have shared this philosophy with others many times. It is one of the most frequently challenged views that we hold.

We believe that this view is supported by scriptural reference and is an important concept that holds together a healthy marriage. We are still looking for a better way to share this point and convince others of its truthfulness. Perhaps someone in this readership knows a better way to put it and would like to share with the rest of us. Nevertheless, this post is another attempt to share this philosophy.

Earlier this week, someone that we correspond with asked how could a psychiatric problem be considered a “we” or “our” problem. In and of itself a psychiatric problem is not a marital problem. But because of how close a husband and wife are in their relationship, it is impossible that one spouse’s psychiatric problems won’t somehow affect the other spouse.

To illustrate this point, let’s imagine a wife has developed a fairly serious anxiety disorder in the last couple of years. She has a fear of crowds and does not do well with leaving the house. She spends most of her time at home where she feels comfortable. She goes to Church every once in awhile when she is having one of her “better” days. By contrast, her husband is very social and would love to go out to sporting events or concerts with his wife, like they did when we they were dating. But since her anxiety disorder has started, this is impossible. He is beginning to feel very isolated and alone.

Who has the problem? It depends on how you define problem. It could be said that the wife has the problem. She has the anxiety disorder that is stopping them from getting out of the house together. Or it could be said that the husband has the problem because he is being selfish and inattentive to the special needs of his wife. If he would just be happy staying at home, all would be well between them.

This way of viewing problems though has only negative consequences. It assumes that one person is correct and that the other person is wrong. This leads to power struggles and conflict where a solution can only be found where one side wins and the other side looses.

What if we say that this couple’s relationship is what has a problem? In other words, we could say that both the wife and husband are not getting their needs met. After all neither of them is purposely trying to harm the other. It’s the incompatibility of their personalities that is causing tension. Something with how they are relating to each other needs to change.

One solution might be to invite a couple of close fiends over to their home. Another solution might be to watch some sporting events on TV, or the wife might encourage her husband to go to a sporting event with one of his buddies. And certainly because the wife is not able to get to the Church as often, maybe the Home and Visiting Teachers could make some extra visits to the home to share some of the lessons that she is missing. These types of innovative solutions can only be arrived at when the problems are described in term of the relationship rather than the individual. By seeing things in terms of “our” problem you are then able to work as a couple to find a solution that will address both of your needs, making it a win/win solution.

Friday Philosophy - Not Enough Time

2009-05-15T07:16:00.000-05:00

We believe that it isn't a how much time you have but what you do with your time that matters. All of probably feel the crunch of modern life every once in awhile. We are constantly telling ourselves and each other that we don't have time to do all that we have to do. Some of us secretly hope for 25 or 26 hours in a day to solve this problem. However time really isn't the problem, making choices is.

Why we feel so busy in this modern life, is that we are faced with so many choices. There are so many things that we can do with our time. Many of the choices are really good and healthy possibilities. But because there are so many of them, we feel pressure to try to squeeze all of them in.

There is a very common object lesson that is often used to illustrate this point. This is the demonstration of a glass jar and filling it with rocks, pebbles, sand, and finally water. If you aren't familiar with this object lesson, here is an example of it on the Internet.

The first big rock in our Jar needs to be Heavenly Father. Our second biggest rock needs to be our marriage. Our third biggest rock needs to be our children and extended family. When those are taken care of, we can begin to fit the rest of our life in and around those bigger rocks. If you need to, please take some time today to figure out how the priorities in your life may need to be re-ordered.

Tuesday Tip - 05-12-2009

2009-05-12T06:46:00.001-05:00

Some marriage problems have nothing to do with marriage at all. Such is the case when real issues are buried underneath lies and deceptions that we tell ourselves. Our marriage partners often get blamed for being the problem when nothing could be further from the truth. Common personal issues that are sometimes masked as marital issues are: pornography, depression, anxiety, and guilt.

The greatest resource we have ever met for unraveling the lies and getting to the truth is through honest humble conversations with our Heavenly Father. Many have excuses as to why this solution wouldn't work for them. However, we have never met a person yet who hasn't asked Heavenly Father to help them do some introspection to find how they become a better person and not received an answer. Now imagine a person who goes and does this first before blaming a spouse for a problem. Just one person in a relationship doing this would dramatically change the dynamic of the couple. Both individuals in a relationship doing this would be very powerful indeed.

Our Story - Part Fourteen

2009-05-10T10:02:00.007-05:00

Mark & Julie Beth - That September 30th party for Mark really was the first moment that we became a couple. All of our friends around us picked up on the fact that we spent a lot of time smiling, joking and being with each other. They saw us as a couple even though we had not publicly told everyone this was the case. We were still in the stage of putting out feelers to make sure that being a couple made sense. We wanted to know secretly if others saw us as Begin good for each other. The reaction to us dating couldn't have been more positive.

After the party, we talked together about going on an "official" date together. Sure we had spent so much time together, including two long trips across the state of the Ohio alone. But that had just been as "friends". What would it be like to date each other as romantic partners who may actually marry each other? We had already spent lots of time together finding out that we could be good friends. Did we have what it would take to be much more than that?

Our first date was out to John Bryant State Park. We had a picnic lunch and went for a hike together. But more importantly it was a serious time to talk. Would we get married? Its not like we were formal getting engaged to each other on our first date. What we wanted to know from each other was if that was the direction that this relationship was headed. Neither of us had lots of time nor desire to play around. Mark only had a couple short months before leaving on his mission. Julie Beth had already waisted enough time with guys who weren't serious about commitment. Was this a serious relationship or not?

Neither of us minced any words. We made it very clear with each other that if we were going to be a couple, it was toward one goal and one goal only; marriage. So there we were on our first official date talking about marriage and what married life together would be like. We talked about having children together and what it'd be like to raise them. We even went as far as picking the number of children and picking out the names for them. We discovered, that we each had mandatory names that family tradition had taught that we needed to name our sons.

It was kind of surreal to be talking about this kind of stuff. But if you get to know us at all, you will find that first of all we are planners that try to think about every possible detail. Second you will find that we usually don't go down the same roads that everyone else travels. We do what makes practical sense to us. Talking about such weighty topics as all of this on our first date made lots of sense to both of us at the time.

So there you have it. Our first "official" date as a couple ended with us deciding we were going to get married, that we would have six children, and what we wanted to name all of them. Good start, huh?

Tuesday Tip 05-05-2009

2009-05-05T19:03:00.001-05:00

Happy Cinco de Mayo! Mark served his mission in Mexico so has brought home a lot of the Mexican culture to our home.

Today's daily tip is about one characteristic of marriage that many people notice over time with their spouse. They notice that whatever bad characteristics that they have seem to get magnified when married. The stress of the daily routine and responsibilities plus the fact that you are with your spouse both in good times as well as bad, causes what we can generally keep hidden from other, front and center with our spouses. As this occurs, we have one of two choices. We can let these things tear us apart or bring us together.

There is one deciding factor on what will cause a couple to grow because of stress or fall apart. That factor is how humble the couple can be together. If when stressed, each partner believes that they can fight the fight all alone and need no support from others, the couple will pull apart. If when stressed, the couple comes together and acknowledges that even individual problems require a team effort to overcome, the couple will come together.

We were not meant to go through this life alone. The Lord designed for us to have a companion to help us get through it all. Learn to use this gift that has been given you for help rather than harm, and you will learn one of the great secrets for happiness in this life.

Our Story - Part Thirteen

2009-05-03T16:30:00.009-05:00

Mark - After I spoke the words that I wanted to marry someone just like Julie and she suggested that I have the real thing, a whirl wind of dating occurred. We stuffed so much into those couple of months before I went on my mission. They were without a doubt the fondest days of my entire life. I thoroughly enjoyed watching real, tender love that I had always longed for, open before my eyes.

But there was little doubt that time was short. I had planned to leave on my mission after the first of the year. This was so that I could get through the fall quarter and spend a last Holiday with my family before leaving for two years. I found out that my mission papers could not be placed in the mail until three months before I was planning on going into the mission field. That meant that October 1st was going to be the exact day.

I involved the entire Young Single Adults into a huge party for September 30th. The culmination of the party would be a midnight dropping off of the mission papers into the mailbox. It was going to be a big fun event. And I had employed the services of Julie Beth to help plan and decorate for the party. She made a gorgeous cake of the world. We had everyone put a candle in the cake where they thought I was going to go for my mission. The closest correct guess would get a prize when the mission call came back. I kept the mission papers in a safe all night that we affectionately called the "football". That is what they nickname the suitcase that travels with the President of the United States with the nuclear launching codes.

Then just before midnight, we all traveled to the post office in one large caravan of vehicles. Then we counted down the time and the papers slipped into the mail at precisely midnight. You can see all the photos of this event below.

The "Football" - Top Secret Mission Papers Inside.

Julie Beth's Famous Cake of the World

Mark is blowing out the candles on the cake. There was a huge flame around Utah.

And it is the official count down to midnight.

Julie Beth - I was amazed to finally be dating someone who genuinely cared for me. Mark and I really did seem to compliment each other. The hardest thing was knowing that this was only temporary because Mark was planning on putting his papers in for his mission. On the one hand, I really didn't want him to leave. But at the same time, I wanted nothing more than to support him in serving an honorable mission.

I remember sitting in the back seat of a friend's car after mailing off Mark's mission papers. Mark told me that he was having second thoughts about leaving me. At that moment I was reassured to know that he cared about me, but I also became even more committed to making sure that he followed through with his desire to follow through and serve his mission. I have waited this long for him to show up this long. What was a another two years?

Philosophy Friday - Marriage Wrecks

2009-05-01T23:23:00.001-05:00

We believe that there is a huge difference between the truth and what our perspective tells us is the truth. To illustrate this point, we would like to introduce you to the fun world of Cake Wrecks. This is a fellow blog that we have just started reading. The whole point of this blog is to show cakes that have been created professionally by a cake decorator that are far from perfect. Usually there is some flaw that makes you scratch your head and wonder what the cake decorator was thinking when they decorated it. Above is one sample of what you can find there.

The cake looks beautiful. It probably tasted very good as well. And most would have called it a fantastic cake. That is of course all except for the word "Bitrdhay". That one gross misspelling of the word birthday changed everything. Now the whole of the cake is judged to be a "Cake Wreck".

Do we do that in our marriages as well? Many view their marriages as a complete "wreck". They won't go beyond the misspelled word to enjoy the rest of cake. To them the misspelling is all that there is to the cake.

If this is your situation, can we suggest that you shake your head and laugh a little bit at the situation. Go beyond the flaw. Go get a plate, fork, and knife and enjoy every delectable piece. Marriage can be extremely enjoyable if you allow yourself to go beyond the frosting on the outside.

Tuesday Tip 04-28-09

2009-04-28T20:37:00.003-05:00

Do you know of a really happy couple? Do you like to be around them? Now more importantly, do others look at you and your spouse's relationship and see you as a happy couple. If not, we would like to challenge you to read the article Happily Married Couples Needed by Laura Brotherson. She is a cyber-friend that we have known for many years. She has written a lot of good material over time. This article from her published in the Meridian Magazine is one of most recent gems.

Philosophy Friday - Making Amends

2009-04-24T17:31:00.002-05:00

We believe that we all make mistakes. When we make mistakes in our marriages, it is not enough to just recognize our mistakes. We must do our best to reverse the effects of our mistakes or in other words make amends.

In ancient Israel the traditional manner of making amends was to return what was taken and give four fold more back to the person that was offended. A similar practice might be done in your marriage. If have recently become aware of ways that you were unkind to your spouse, we suggest that you find five ways that you can be kind in return. For example if you lost your temper and yelled at your husband, why not compliment him five times on ways that you appreciate him? If recognize that you turned a cold shoulder to your wife when she was looking for comfort, why not hold her hand or give her a hug five times?

Tuesday Tip 04-21-2009

2009-04-21T21:14:00.003-05:00

Take time to smell the roses - together. Yes it's a cliched, but how often do we take time together to enjoy the beauty of the world around us? As the world begins to wake up this spring season find time to go for a walk and enjoy all the beauty that is blooming before your eyes. And who knows, maybe like Bambi and his woodland friends you might find yourself feeling a little twitterpated.

Tuesday Tip - 04-14-2009

2009-04-14T21:21:00.003-05:00

How much do you and your spouse share things? Do you share your home? Do you share a bed? Do you share your money? After you get married, a lot of things that were strictly mine and yours have become ours. Does the same hold true of problems in your lives? Do you share the problems in your marriage? We bet a whole lot fewer of you said yes to these last two questions. Why is that? Why do we spend so much time trying to cast blame on someone? If you were always right about who is at fault for a problem in marriage, does it really matter? Does it get you any closer to solving the problem when someone is to blame? Hardly! The person ascribed all the guilt has no more motivation to change. The person ascribing the guilt has no need to change. Therefore everything stays the same.

Try this approach instead. Tell yourself that the problems in your marriage are "our problem" instead of "his problem" or "her problem". Working toward a common goal together is much more effective and brings the two of you closer together as well.

Tuesday Tip - 4-7-09

2009-04-07T07:09:00.001-05:00

What do you the two of you do when stress is high, there is lots that needs to be done, and it isn't possible as a couple to get it all done? That is what our week has been like. Our regular readers will note that we rarely miss posting every Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. However we have been able to keep up this past week. There was just too much going on for us to get to it.

Our suggestion in such times is that you and your spouse come together. Fighting against each other only makes matters worse. Next, you should make priorities. Tackle the immediate needs first. Those things that can temporarily slide, let them slide. You can pick them back up when the chaos settles down a bit. Just like we are doing right now.

Philosophy Friday - Just Because

2009-04-03T14:33:00.002-05:00

We believe that you should do positive things for your spouse just because. This means throwing out the window thinking like "I will only do this for my husband when he..." or "My wife doesn't deserve...". You have been asked by the Lord to love your spouse unconditionally just as He has done for you. Nothing should get between you and your spouse. It is a sacred space between the two of you. Conditions on your love or harsh judgment of your spouse only builds wedges.

When a man and woman come together in holy marriage, they are committing their whole hearts, bodies, minds and souls to each other. This is very similar to the commitment that one makes to God when they are baptized. A couple that makes these types of commitments to each other and God create a triangular, eternal force between the man, woman and God forever. Satan knows of the great force for good this bond can make so he finds every means to possible to break it apart. One way that he can do this is to place a wedge between the husband and wife. Therefore he whispers in the ears of the wife and/or husband to remind them of the human imperfections of their spouse. Then he tries to magnify the faults of the spouse to bigger and bigger proportions until someone throws up their hands and say that the marriage is a failure.

Satan does not need to have such power in any of our relationships. Unconditional love (loving your spouse just because...) can overcome any temptation to introduce anger, bitterness, or broken heartedness into your marital relationship. God knew what he was doing when he commanded us to love our spouse like we do our own selves. Lets honor this eternal principal

Tuesday Tip - 03/31/2009

2009-03-31T21:18:00.002-05:00

Listening is a skill that all of us are expected to be able to do but are hardly are ever taught how to do. Think about it. Look at the classes in school from writing well or with public speaking. Was the same amount of time given to learning how to listen? - Hardly. However listening is exactly half of the equation for effective communication.

We all know how it feels to not be heard. Give the gift to your spouse of listening to what they have say. Repeat back what you hear and ask questions about what your spouse is saying. Active listening like this encourages more communication. And more communication will bring you and your spouse closer together.

Our Story - Part Twelve

2009-03-29T20:35:00.007-05:00

Mark - As the summer ended, so did my hopes of getting seriously involved with anyone. I would be putting my papers in soon and then afterwards going off on a mission. So I stopped looking for anyone to date. I figured, that looking for the girl of my dreams would have to wait until after I got back. I was a little disappointed. I thought it would be really nice to have someone writing to me while I was on my mission. I knew I wouldn't be getting any support from my family. They made it perfectly clear to me that my decision to leave on a mission really disappointed them. Instead I turned to the Lord and knew that He'd be the only one that could sustain me.

I started fall quarter. Immediately, I hit a rough patch with one of my classes in matrix algebra. I was not getting it. Quietly, I struggled not letting anyone know that what I was learning made no sense. I just figured it was me. Years later I talked with someone else who was in the same class and found out that more than half the class failed. The professor made it his personal mission to make everyone miserable and suffer. He got in trouble for this. However at the time I didn't know it and my confidence in myself dropped significantly. I never had had so much difficulty in any class as I did with that one.

It was with this background 0f disappointment that I walked into the greatest joy of my life. On Sunday, September 25, I sat in sacrament meeting in the back of the chapel. I was there with Julie Beth and the other young single adults of our ward. I had made a promise months earlier that I would get up and bear my testimony at each fast and testimony meeting until I left for my mission. Julie Beth and the other young single adults knew this. I usually would get up at the beginning of the meeting. However after most of the meeting had slipped past, I still sat on that back bench. Inside, I had no intention of getting up. I felt miserable and sorry for myself.

Then Julie Beth, without a word, got up and sat at the front of the chapel to bear her testimony. She sat up there with a huge smile and stared straight at me. Her smile melted my heart instantly. I clearly got the message that she was behind me and wanted see me keep my commitment. Shortly later I got up and sat next to her. The Spirit was very strong and made a profound impression on my mind. I was very appreciative of her example of silent encouragement and support. It was at that moment that my heart was fully opened to her.

That evening I would write in my journal how much I appreciated her as a friend. I also expressed how I so wanted to be able to have a wife that was as supportive of me as much as she was. That experience kept on floating through my head, until I talked to her next on the phone several days later. I fumbled around a lot with my words to try to explain what had happened to me on Sunday. Finally, I just pulled out my journal and read to her what I wrote. When I finished, there was a long silence. I will never forget what I heard next. Julie Beth said, "Mark, why do you need to find someone just like me? Why not just have the real thing?" Next I was the one silent. Julie Beth was interested in me!

Julie Beth - After coming home from the Young Single Adult conference, I decided that I would just have to show Mark how much I cared for him by being a good friend and a support. Maybe eventually, he would see that I really cared for him. I decided that even if he never did feel like I was worth dating, that I would still be his friend and support him.

Mark and I continued to talk a lot on the phone and hang out together when we could. We just really seemed to click with each other. It was fun to have someone who's personality and sense of humor fit so well with mine. At the same time too, it was incredibly frustrating as I couldn't figure out why our relationship couldn't become more serious. I knew that Mark was planning on going on a mission and this was a source of frustration too. On the one hand, I truly supported him in this righteous desire. While on the other hand, I hated the thought of having to wait for two years. Then again, I thought maybe if I was still single in two years and I had been there as a friend and a support through his mission, Mark would realize how serious I was about him.

The last Sunday in September before general conference was Fast Sunday. I was a little surprised during Fast and Testimony Meeting when Mark didn't get up to bear his testimony right away. Several months before, he had made a commitment to bear his testimony once a month in preparation for going on his mission. I remember asking him if something was wrong. He told me that he didn't feel like bearing his testimony. Later, I felt a prompting that I should go up and bear my testimony. Rather than fight the feeling like I might normally do, I went and sat on the stand to wait my turn. As I sat there, I could see that Mark was clearly struggling. I could tell that he really did want to bear his testimony but just needed some support. So I smiled at him while mentally trying to tell him "Come on, you know you want to bear your testimony. Just come up here and do it."

Little did I know how important that act of support would turn out to be. A few days later, Mark called me. Our conversation started out as usual. But after a little bit, Mark told me that he wanted to share something he had written in his journal with me. I sat there in disbelief as he told me how much he wanted marry someone just like me. Could it be that he really did like me after all? I decided to take a chance and ask him "Why look for someone just like me when you could have the real thing?"

Friday Philosphy - Necesary Bonds

2009-03-27T08:17:00.006-05:00

We believe that sex is vitally important in a healthy marriage. We believe this so much that we dedicated a whole other blog to supporting this principle. Heavenly Father placed within us a capacity and a desire for sex to both bring a husband and wife closer to each other than any other means possible as well as join with Him in the creation of new children here on earth. Nothing in marriage is more holy or special a gift than has been given us with sex.

Sadly though, Satan knows this often better than we do. Therefore he has crafted all kinds of ways to convince us not to engage in sex with our husbands and wives. The list is almost endless on how he does this. Rest assured though that however the argument goes, if the end result is you and your spouse going long periods without sex, he wins. Now there are some legitimate times where sex needs to be avoided such as health reasons, long military deployments, or early sexual abuse recovery. Those circumstances need to be considered carefully and our hearts protected so that Satan does not turn temporary circumstances into permanent ones. We are tired of having his side win so much. We want to see sex used for healthy building up of marriages and families as God intended for it to be.

Recently we came across two fantastic articles from FamilyLife Ministries, a Christian family and marriage ministry. The first article is Why Sex is so Important to Your Husband. The second is Why Sex is so Important to Your Wife. If you happen to believe that sex should be avoided in marriage please read these articles to gain understanding on why such a refusal may not be a great idea. Also join us in our Eternally Entwined blog to find out more about Heavenly Father's view of sex in marriage.

Tuesday Tip 03-24-2009

2009-03-24T21:26:00.002-05:00

Have you ever had to make an important decision? It always helps to have your spouse as a sounding board. You know what they say, "two heads are better than one." With most decisions there is time to think things through, debate the pros and cons, and separate our emotions from the need to make a decision quickly. Still, what do you do if you reach your deadline and you and your spouse have not reached a consensus? It may be a once in a life time chance you will be missing out on, but it's better to let it pass. Don't wind up hurting your marriage by making a decision about major issues; i.e. job, money, or housing you both may wind up regretting. You both need to be willing to fully support any life changing decisions.

Our Story - Part Eleven

2009-03-22T08:58:00.004-05:00

Mark - I had imagined that when I told Julie Beth that I wasn't sure about dating someone older than me, that she would respond something like "I don't mind dating younger men." Some statement like that would reassure me that she was interested in me and I could start pursuing more. But no, she instead told me that she wanted to marry someone at the beginning of the alphabet and something with a simple last name. It was a clear signal to me that she was probably not interested in me. I probably said or did something wrong and would never find out what it was. What was it that girls didn't like about me? I couldn't figure it out.

So I went back to going after other girls. I figured that Julie Beth wouldn't talk to me after that trip. But strangely, Julie Beth didn't. In fact, she even went out of her way to make my twentieth birthday special. She decorated my dorm window with birthday cake candy and called me to make sure I had a special day. As far as a friend, she was a keeper. I kind of wished it could be more but apparently it wasn't to be.

Somehow, both of us agreed to go to another Young Single Adult conference at the end of the summer. I think more people were suppose to travel with us but it ended up just being the two of us on a long road trip again. We talked and joked around a lot on the way there. However, I didn't want to make the mistake of getting to close to her again. So decided that when I was at the dance I was going to pursue other girls. There was even one who had been writing me over the summer and should be at the conference.

Julie Beth - After our trip to Medina, I was a little put off by Mark's comments about not wanting to date anyone older than him. I really liked him and wanted more. I wanted much more. I would marry him if asked. But apparently I was too old. How could I change that?

Mark's twentieth birthday was coming up. I wondered if we were in the same decade, if he wouldn't consider me quite so "old". Some of the other girls from young single adults went over to his dorm on his birthday to see if we could "hijack" him and take him out for a surprise birthday celebration. Unfortunately, he was not there. So instead, we decorated his window with a birthday message.

Later that month found us driving to a young single adult conference together. I am not sure how it was just the two of us but I was happy about the time that we had to spend together. We had so much fun talking and joking with each other. I really felt that I could be myself with Mark. He seemed to accept me for who I was. And I genuinely enjoyed spending time with him.

I was a little shocked after we got to the conference and Mark completely changed. Mark seemed like he was interested in every other girl except me. What made it even more confusing was that whenever we were in a class together or eating, we would always wind up together. But then he would turn around and go off to pursue other girls. What was up with that?

The last night of the conference, there was a big dance. It was really fun because, they held it outside on a basketball court. I really wanted to dance with Mark. But he was busy being a social butterfly. I was so frustrated and I wondered if he would ever think of me as anything other than a friend. I finally left the conference and drove around back country roads nearby. I remember telling Heavenly Father how frustrated I was and asking Him why. Why was it that whenever I got close to a guy he'd flake out? Why wasn't I married yet? Why was Mark not interested? Why did I have to wait so much? I told Heavenly Father that I would even wait for Mark while he wad on a mission. But at that very moment, Mark was dancing with some other girl and not me. The whole situation was so ridiculous.

Philosphy Friday - Making Lemonade

2009-03-20T15:44:00.000-05:00

We believe that life will give you lemons so you better be prepared to make lemonade. Our favorite memory from our first year of marriage was the date that we scrambled around our apartment (especially our couch) to find enough loose change to buy a bag of chips and a soda from our apartment complex's vending machine. When the last coin was in possession we scrambled up the elevator to the top floor. We savored every bite and looked over the downtown Dayton skyline (yes, romance at it's best).

There was a lot that we went without in those days. But we savor every second of it. Why? We were together, and what little we had was all ours. We knew that this small budding relationship would grow into a beautfiul eternal future together.

If things are not going perfectly in your life, join the crowd. Not everyone's life wraps up perfectly in an hour show like it does on TV. Instead the Lord promises that there must needs be opposition in all things. Are you going to let that opposition push you and your spouse farther apart or closer together? If you can learn to work as a team in the trying times, you will have the opportunity to build a bonds that can last through anything.

Tuesday Tip - 03-17-2009

2009-03-17T19:33:00.004-05:00

If you think that you need to discuss with your spouse something that they did wrong, you may want to spend some time thinking first about how you are going to bring it up. Most human beings don't deal well with criticism when it comes from no where. Usually some sweetening up of the comments helps the medicine go down better.

For example the classic of using "I" statements instead of "you" statements helps a lot. This is because you are initially owning the problem instead of your spouse. Your husband or wife are more likely to engage in a discussion of this type they don't feel like they are about to get attacked.

Another way of softening the issue is to start by telling your spouse that you want to discuss something that has the potential to get them defensive. Then give them the option to talk about it then or a later agreed time. This gives the spouse the opportunity to have an opportunity to prepare themselves for such a talk and when such a talk till take place.

Be considerate of your spouse and treat them the way you would want to be treated. You never know when you might be the one making a mistake and having the shoe on the other foot.

Our Story - Part Ten

2009-03-15T11:04:00.002-05:00

Mark - It was during one of these phone conversations that Julie Beth mentioned that she had some ancestors that lived in the same county that I grew up. In fact some of her ancestors had come for business to the county courthouse building that was close to my house. I had ridden my bicycle by it thousands of times as a child. And then by coincidence, my family while not being members of the Church, was really interested in genealogy. I had spent a lot of time with my parents going through the record rooms of the county courthouse and I knew them like the back of my hand. I promised to take her to my house sometime and I'd take her to look up some records and go to the neighboring county where more of her ancestors had lived.

At the end of the summer, I had a trip up to my parent's house. It was going to be my nephew's birthday and I could see all my family which was all scattered at that point. I took Julie Beth along for the ride for company and to take her to all the top genealogy sites in the area. In the back of my mind I also thought it would be the perfect opportunity to see if there was any possibility of moving her up in to the dating pool once we got back from the trip. I decided that I would ask her some leading questions on the way home to test the waters and see how interested she might be in me. It would be risky because it was more than a three hour trip one way. If anything went wrong, it would be an awkward ride home i my old 1985 Ford Tempo.

Julie Beth - I was really excited to go up north and work on the genealogy on my father's side of the family. My parents had worked on trying to prove who my father's grandparents were for years. They had even hired professional genealogists. Somehow I had hoped that I might be able to make some headway with Mark's help.

Getting to meet Mark's family for the first time was a little different because it happened at Mark's nephew's second birthday. It turned out not to be so scary after all. I really enjoyed visiting with his whole family. The next day when we went to Akron to do genealogy research, I learned a few things about guys from the Cleveland area. First of all, unless you want to get thrown out of the car in downtown Akron, don't even hint at the idea that you once liked the New York Yankees. I was a bit shocked when Mark pulled the car over to the curb and told me to get out. And I realized that he was quite possibly serious. Lets just say I changed team affiliations very quickly. Go Cleveland Indians!!!

I don't remember a lot about the rest of the time in Medina. But I do remember the long conversation that Mark and I had on the drive home in the car. We talked a lot about how we would raise children and what we would like a future home to be like. We talked about plans for a dream home and the very specific subtle shade of blue/gray we would want to paint our home. It all seemed so right. Everything clicked and I thought we were on the same page.

Then Mark shocked me by saying the last thing I expected. "You know... I don't think I would ever date anyone more than two or three years older than me." I thought to myself "Excuse me? What was he saying? Did he want to get rid of me?" After all, I was more than a few years older than him. What was he thinking? Was he trying to say he didn't want to date me? So I said the first thing that came to my mind. "You know I always wanted to marry into the beginning of the alphabet and something simple, maybe an Adams or a Clarke with an 'e' would be nice." His last name was complicated like mine and at the end of the alphabet. Two could play at this game of confusion.

Philosophy Friday - Praying Partners

2009-03-13T19:41:00.005-05:00

We believe that the Lord supports marriage. We aren't just saying that He thinks marriage is a good idea for mankind. We aren't even saying that God merely takes an active interest in observing what goes on in our marriage. We believe that He personal intervenes within each and every marriage He is invited to participate. This is the "marriage takes three" concept with the three parties being a Husband, a Wife, and God.

How exactly can God intervene in a marriage. First of all His very presence calms flared tempers and makes the impossible seem possible. It is much more difficult to act self centered and cruel toward our spouse when the Lord is invited into our homes. Fights are reduced and hope increases.

Another good reason for inviting God to intervene in our marriage is the unlimited resources that he can put in place on our behalf. We will never know the countless miracles that occur constantly on our behalf. Angels surround us constantly looking out for our personal welfare. Does it not make sense that these angels also look out for something as sacred as our marriages.

All this is to say that prayer should be a basic building block of our marriages. Ideally the couple should be praying together for the strength and support of their relationship. But even if this isn't occurring for one reason or another, individual prayer can also be helpful. If you are praying already for your marriage, keep doing so. The Lord is willing and able to intervene. He is just waiting to know that it is our desire for Him to join us in the marriage relationship.

Tuesday Tip 03-10-2009

2009-03-10T12:52:00.003-05:00

Are you in love with your spouse? If you answered no, who do you blame? Most people blame their spouse or some strange unnamed thing in the universe that caused you to fall out of love with your spouse. The reason that you aren't in love is YOU. We know this isn't the popular answer but stay with us for a moment. You see, people don't fall in or out of love. They either choose to love their partner or to stop putting in the effort. Love requires activity on your part. You need to make things happen. Waiting on your spouse to do X, Y, or Z before you love them has two basic problems. First it is a lower form of love called conditional love. Second, your spouse will always fail you because it is always impossible for them to live up to your ideals. Instead take ownership. Try some unconditional love similar to what the Lord does for you.

And for those of you that say that 'yes' you are in love with your spouse? Congratulations, this is the ideal. But don't just rest on your laurels here. Instead, continue to pursue ways to love your spouse. The flames of love must always be fanned.

Our Story - Part Nine

2009-03-08T09:27:00.012-05:00

Mark - The rest of the summer was a blur of activity for me. I had the most successful quarter in college getting straight A's. I went to every Young Single Adult event I could go to which covered an area of six stakes. I started a new Latter-day Saint Student Association on the campus of Wright State allowing an institute and missionaries to be officially recognized and permitted on campus. I met a lot of people. I was full of energy and had the Spirit with me.

During the summer, I dated no less than six girls. None of them got as serious with as I had with Jennifer. I didn't open up my heart as much. I was looking for someone who was genuinely interested in me. I started to get the sense that the announcement that I would be going on a mission had a chilling effect on the desire of girls to want to date me seriously. I thought just the opposite. I knew that I would get absolutely no support for my mission from my parents. Having a girlfriend to be an encouragement would be nice.

As the summer went on though, I started getting discouraged. On October 1st, I would be putting in my mission papers. And then time would quickly slip away until I left for somewhere in the world. I began talking to Julie Beth on the phone regularly. However I can say today that it was strictly as friends. I had long before eliminated her as a romantic possibility. I instead kept her up to date with all the girls that I was dating and what I thought of them. Julie Beth was a great person to talk to. I could unload everything on her and she had a wonderful attitude and a great sense of humor which I really appreciated. She kept me pretty grounded that whole summer.

Julie Beth - My trip to Texas was busy and full of fun. My sister and brother-in-law held their wedding at their Texas Hill Country property and did most of the catering themselves. Unfortunately, having no experience in catering we wound up with tons of leftovers. Who knew you could freeze coleslaw?

I was surprised when I came home and Mark called. He wondered if I wanted to go out for lunch. I said, "Sure." So he came over and we went out to Subway. Mark appeared especially ravenous and I wondered if he was always this hungry. (Only later did I find out that he had spent several days eating just peanut butter and crackers to save up enough money for that lunch. And he says that he wasn't interested in me at the time. Yeah right!) We had a good time talking to each other and found out that we had a lot in common. After that, we started talking on the phone and hanging out together with the other Young Single Adults in our Ward.

The more I talked with Mark and spent time with him, the more interested I was in dating him. The problem was, he was busy dating the whole rest of the state of Ohio!! For some reason, I found myself once again in the role of the "best friend". This was especially aggravating when Mark would talk to me about the girls he was dating. On the one hand, I wanted to be supportive and encouraging. On the other hand though, I wanted to say "Hey what about me?"

Philosophy Friday - Unconditional Love

2009-03-06T23:25:00.004-06:00

We believe in unconditional love. Simply put our love is not dependent on what our spouse does or does not do for us. We love them no matter what. To some this may be a no brainier. Most of us probably agree with this philosophy but do you actually behave in a manner that your spouse would agree that you love them unconditionally? Lets look at a quote from Spencer W. Kimball which does a pretty good job of describing what unconditional love looks like.

"The love of which the Lord speaks is not only physical attraction, but also faith, confidenc e, understanding, and partnership. It is devotion and companionship, parenthood, common ideals and standards. It is cleanliness of life and sacrifice and unselfishness. "This kind of love never tires nor wanes. It lives on through sickness and sorrow, through prosperity and privation, through accomplishment and disappointment, through time and eternity. . . . For your love to ripen so gloriously, there must be an increase of confidence and understanding, a frequent and sincere expression of appreciation of each other. There must be a forgetting of self and a constant concern for the other. There must be a focusing of interests and hopes and objectives into a single channel" (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 248).

Did you find something in President Kimball's quote that prompted you to how you could love your spouse more? If so find ways today that you can express your love to your spouse more fully. Your relationship with your spouse is worth the time and effort.

Tuesday Tip - 03/03/2009

2009-03-03T07:14:00.005-06:00

Take time to do something new together. This might be going out and taking dancing classes together, writing a story together, visiting a new museum, etc. If you do something together that neither of you have done before, you just might renew the feelings when you and your spouse were first dating. Do you remember those days? Everything was new then. All marriages have natural highs and lows. If you are experiencing a low right now, changing things up by doing something new might just be the trick to start turning things around for you.

Our Story - Part Eight

2009-03-01T19:20:00.006-06:00

Mark - When I came back from the Young Single Adult event, I was energized and felt alive. A couple of us from the Dayton area convinced ourselves that it would be great to have a Young Single Adult branch in our area. We began talking to everyone about the idea and started quite a stir. We were told by our stake leadership that if we could show that there would be enough priesthood to meet the basic needs of the branch, they would consider the idea.

I went to the June dance telling everyone about the idea. The night started off with a buzz in the air. I was going to dance with every girl there and tell them all about my plans about us getting organized. I was sure that we could get lots of Young Single Adults active again if the branch happened. I did get to talk to most people there.

Sadly the one person I really wanted to spend time with, Jennifer, didn't really talk to me at all. She was kind of distant to me at Kirtland and on the trip home. I wasn't sure I knew what was up with her. But I got the message that she really wasn't interested in me.

I was out in the hallway resting when Julie Beth came up and talked to me. She was really warm and friendly that evening. She really liked my idea for a Young Single Adult branch. She shared with me how at different times she felt uncomfortable in the family ward where she grew up. It was hard being around all of your parent's best friends and seeing them equals now that she was an adult as well. Memories of them being her primary teachers were still fresh in her mind. She wanted to be respected as an adult. Oh yeah there was the annoying question that they kept asking her; when was she going to find someone to get married to.

Julie Beth also talked about all the changes in her life including her new move. She made sure that I had her new phone number. She made sure that I knew it was a private phone line, not her parent's number. I definitely made note of that. I tucked the number away in my pocket and began to wonder to myself why I hadn't seen her with her boyfriend for awhile. She appeared to have come to the dance without him. I for the first time began to think of her as something more than an Young Single Adult Woman in my ward. I mentally put her in my friendship pool.

Julie Beth - June was an exciting month for me. I was going to be taking a trip to Texas to attend my older sister's wedding. It was going to be fun to have my whole family together. I really hoped at this time that she had really found the right guy, as this was her third marriage.

I decided to go to the Young Single Adult dance before I left for Texas. There was a lot of buzz about trying to get a Young Single Adult Branch in our area. It sounded like a good idea to me. We had always had a thriving Institute program in our area and off and on we had had a Family Home Evening group that was really well attended.

I wound up running into Mark in the hallway and talking with him about the idea of the Singles Branch. He seemed really excited and motivated. I had just had a new phone line put in so that I didn't have to share a phone with my parents. I made sure that Mark had my new phone number and let him know that I would be out of town for a little while. I told him that when I got back from my sister's wedding I would like to do anything that I could to help get the idea of the Singles Branch off the ground.

Philosophy Friday - The 100/100 Plan

2009-02-27T15:25:00.008-06:00

We believe that marriage is about both partners giving it their all. Gone are the days that a 50/50 partnership was enough. Now it takes both tyring their best to give their all. There is so much mentally and spiritually to wear us out. Now it's more like 100/100. This way if either one of you falters, the other is there to help.

Every day you should be looking for ways to bless your spouse and make their burden less. Yes, one of you may do something more than the other. But that doesn't mean that you both can't help out in getting things done. There are unending opportunities for service inside your own home.

Another thing that must go, is the list inside your head that keeps score. You know the one I mean, "I did the dishes the last time, now its his turn." If it needs done, do it. Let go of thoughts that foster resentment and tries to look for perfect equality every time.

Also, you were designed purposely with flaws by a loving Heavenly Father. He knew that you would need some help in this life. That is why you have your spouse. Your chosen mate is undoubtedly better than you in some areas. This is where they can fill in the holes of where you are lacking. Because together the two of you are stronger than each of you separately.
So embrace fully your role as your spouse's helpmate. Find something you can be helpfully with, today.

Tuesday Tip - 02-24-2009

2009-02-24T23:40:00.000-06:00

If you struggling to connect with your spouse, what is your bedroom like? Does it have a lot of electronics in it? Do you see a TV, a cellphone, or a computer there more regularly than your spouse? If so, consider removing those things that are distractions. Then get back to the basics in your bedroom. Spend time together there reading scriptures, praying, talking, snuggling, making love, and sleeping next to each other. This time of being intimate is of infinte worth in a marriage.

Our Story - Part Eight

2009-02-22T09:27:00.005-06:00

Mark - The end of my freshman year in college brought some huge changes in my life. The biggest was that I dropped out of Air Force ROTC and gave up my full scholarship. Largely I felt degraded and humiliated. One hazing incident in the spring time cemented my decision. Half of my freshman ROTC class did the same thing as well. So perhaps they had similar experience to what I did. Therefore, I no longer needed to worry about my obligations with the Air Force as a hindrance in going on a mission. And because I was preparing to go on a mission I decided to stay at Wright State for the summer quarter, squeezing in as much education as I could before I left for two years.

Next, I went to one of the first Young Single Adult Zion's Camp conferences held in Kirtland, Ohio. While there, I got some excellent advice about finding my future bride. We were told to make a list of every quality we wanted in a future spouse. After we did that, we were told to rank those qualities in order of importance. Then when we dated, we should only ever go on a date with someone that met every one of our top four items. If someone did not meet the top four, we should move on. The rest of the list could be largely ignored.

I worked for weeks on my list. Eventually my top four came down to the following qualities. First, I wanted someone who was willing and able to go with me to the Temple to get married for all time and eternity. I thought this was a great first item on my list because I knew who ever could do that, wound be a member of the church and could pass all of temple interview questions (smart of me squeeze so much into one quality). Second, I wanted someone that I considered to be a good mother. Lots goes into being a good mother and I figured anyone that could meet this would meet a large chunk of the rest of my list. Third I wanted someone who was my best friend. I knew that if my future wife and I always were best friends, we would be happy together. Finally, I wanted someone who was able to forgive me. I knew I had lots of faults and would mess up a lot. I wanted someone who would forgive me as frequently as the Savior did giving me plenty of opportunities to become a better human being.

Julie Beth - I was so excited to finally be graduating from college. It had been a long hard climb, but not only was I graduating but I had paid off all my debts! On the top of my mortar board, I wrote out in big white letters, "It's Paid For!" I even threw a big party at Mike and Von's house for all my friends and family.

I also had my high school reunion coming up. I really wanted to attend but I didn't want to go by myself. I thought about asking Von if he would go with me. But then I thought better of that. There was some discussion of asking Mark to go to the reunion with me. However it was more of a joke in that it would be shocking to show up with someone so much younger than me. In the end, I decided not to attend.

My parents and my older brother were in the process of swapping houses. Mom and Dad wanted to downsize as I was the last child at home. So they traded their three bedroom home for my brother's mobile home. So things were busy and I wondered what other new changes would be in store for me.

New Blog Anouncement

2009-02-21T09:36:00.003-06:00

We have published another blog. This new blog is dedicated to discussion marital intimacy from a very unique persepctive. There are many people out there discussing in great detail the physical part about marital intimacy. This is not one of them. Instead we discuss the mental, social, emotional, and spiritual components of who we are that go into our sexuality. We believe that when sex involves everything about ourselves not just our bodies, we begin to understand why Heavenly Father gave us such a special gift.

Right now you will find articles about how emotions effect women, God's view of the specialness of sex, how other religions view sex, what is OK and what isn't OK, and giving each other the gift of our sexuality. It is guranteed to be a very fresh new perspective about this topic done in a very tasteful and uplifting fashion. So come check out Eternally Entwined.

Philosophy Friday - The Living Room Elephant

2009-02-20T19:35:00.005-06:00

We believe that conflict in marriage is normal and healthy. The problem is that most couples just don't have the skills to resolve conflict successfully. With the right skills and the right attitude, conflict can actually be a means of bringing the two of you together rather than farther apart.

Have you ever hear the phrase of "the elephant in the living room"? This is a common way of talking about a huge problem that no one wants to talk about. So everyone ignores the obvious and tiptoes around the edge of living room not saying a word. The first skill that one must have to successfully handle conflict is to speak up about the elephant that is sitting right in from of you.

Next, you need to take a moment to see where the other person is coming from. Often we are all wrapped up in our perspective. We believe that there is no other way to view a problem other than our own. Therefore we fail to really hear what our spouse is trying to say. It doesn't mean you have to agree with them, it just means that you need to try to understand them. The next time you are in an argument try throwing out this phrase "So you are trying to tell me...." and watch how the conflict deescalates when the other sees you trying to understand their perspective.

Finally, the last of the skills that we are going to talk about is the way that you talk about your problems. Insults, demeaning tones of voice, and mocking have no place in an argument ever. It does not make your point any clearer. It doesn't solve any problems. It only feeds the selfish part of ourselves that wants our spouse to hurt as much as we do.

It is important to find positive ways to handle conflict appropriately. There is no bad guy/good guy in marriage. You are just two individuals that see things from different points of view. If you insist on winning all the time, you might get your way every once in awhile but the relationship will suffer greatly as a result. It a terrible price to pay. Instead look for opportunities where where the relationship can win and then you both will be happy.

Tuesday Tip 02-17-2009

2009-02-17T07:04:00.003-06:00

Today's tip comes from an article posted to the Meridian magazine entitled "Can Help Falling in Love". This is a great article that sums up our view of how love should be formed. Even if you have been married for 50 years you can still use this article because you are constantly growing closer or farther apart. This describe how to grow together. We can need that.

The author JeaNette G. Smith talks about five steps of falling in love. They are:

1.) Longing
2.) Looking
3.) Flirting
4.) Exclusivity
5.) Focus

Take time out on this busy day to figure out how these steps apply to your relationship with your sweetheart. Better yet, read it with the love of your life.

Our Story - Part Seven

2009-02-15T19:52:00.006-06:00

Mark - There is no doubt that the February dance was a turning point for me. After that dance, I felt a whole lot more bold about dating. I went on a series of dates after that with several girls. I was constantly on the phone with them. We would do all kinds of things together from hanging out at my college campus to walking around the mall. I really enjoyed most getting invited to the homes of these girls to meet their families and have some good homemade food.

I would keep on getting more and more serious with different girls. Over the springtime, I began to fall very much in love with one girl in particular. Her name was Jennifer. I got very close in my mind to asking her to marry me. I was smitten. However, she was inconsistent about her feelings for me. Sometimes she appeared to be really interested. At other times she wasn't sure. I to this day don't know if it was me or if it was her or if it just wasn't meant to be. She kept hidden from me some of her thoughts about all of this.

During this time frame, the seed got planted in my heart about serving on a mission. I had to overcome having no money, dealing with my Air Force ROTC scholarship, and telling my Mother about going. That last task really worried me. You see, at the time, my Mother was studying a lot of anti-Mormon material. She told me at one point that her biggest fear was about her grandchildren being Mormon. She constantly sent me anti-Mormon material in the mail. She definitely would be really upset when she heard about me going on a Mission.

Julie Beth - I wasn't expecting much from romance. I decided that I was just going to focus on myself for awhile. I was busy working on finsihing up my college degree. I wasn't really sure that I trusted my head or my heart after what had happened with Von. So things were pretty boring again in my love life.

I did spend a lot of time hanging out with some of the guys from my ward. There were four of them that shared a house together; one of which was Von, my ex-"non"-boyfriend. I had a bit of crush on the guy who owned the house, Mike. He was a grad student in the Air Force. He really seemed to have his life put together. But as usual, we turned out to be better "friends" than romantic interests. He did turn out to be a really close older brother for me. He encouraged me not to give up doing the things that I knew would keep me close to Heavenly Father and prepared to meet my "Mr. Right".

Philosophy Friday - When Every Day is a Holiday

2009-02-13T21:18:00.004-06:00

We believe that everyday needs to be a holiday to celebrate the love between you and your spouse. Valentine's Day is not the only day to celebrate romance. Pull out the candy and roses throughout the year.

We like to make fun of all the jewelry companies that make an all out blitz at this time of year. They try to convince men out there that a diamond pendent will change everything in their relationship. Yes pretty things are nice but it doesn't smooth out all the bumps in a relationship. That takes hard work and dedication to make happen.

So we are suggesting that you look beyond the big "V" day. How are you going to express your love to your spouse all year long. If you are looking for some specific ideas on how to do that, see the Tuesday Tip for this week. Be unselfish in your love.

Tuesday Tip 02-10-2009

2009-02-10T21:19:00.005-06:00

This week's tip is actually 1001 tips. For the upcoming Valentine's Day holiday, we wanted to share with you a book that has been well used in our household for all of our marriage. It is the book 1001 ways to be Romantic by Gregory Godek. The book that we have on our bookshelf (and pictured to the left) was written in 1991. It was revised a little of a year ago. Gregory Godek also sells love coupons and other books centered around the romance theme. Check them out. Get inspired to add a little romance to you relationship.

Our Story - Part Six

2009-02-08T20:41:00.005-06:00

Mark - It didn't take me long to start sharing with those living in my dorms about the fun I was having each Friday at Young Single Adult dances. By February, I had convinced a couple of non-member friends to go along with me to the dances. I also made sure that all the Young Single Adults in my ward went to. We went together in one big group. I was constantly on the look out for young women to start filling into my friendship pool. I freely gave away my phone number and tried to get the numbers of others.

The February dance was special. After all it was Valentine's Day. Romance was in the air. Everyone seemed to have an extra spring in their step. I was particularly getting comfortable approaching new young women, getting to know them, and dancing with them. I had about ten girls at that point that I felt particularly comfortable with. I had summed them up and figured out who I had the greatest chance of going out on that coveted first date with. And now I had several to choose from. But who would actually be interested in me and want to date? Time would tell.

Julie Beth - I decided that I might as well "get back on the horse" and give the Young Single Adult dances a try. Besides, everyone in my ward was going and somehow I got roped in to picking up some of those that lived at Wright State and didn't have transportation.

Mark was the one who had organized getting everyone to go to the dance. Somehow he wound up as one of the passengers in my car. I still didn't understand what happened that first time we met at his baptism. Although, after being around him in the Young Single Adult group, I had decided that he was a pretty neat guy. He was very outgoing and seemed a lot more mature than some of the other guys I had dated. So I decided to flirt with him some. And he seemed to play along. I wondered if this could actually go somewhere. Latter in the evening at the dance when we talked in the hallway, he asked for my phone number. I was more than happy to give it to him.

Philosphy Friday - What Did Your Spouse Mean?

2009-02-06T06:30:00.005-06:00

We believe it is important to not assume that you understand what your spouse is thinking. You have spent a lot of intimate time with your wife or husband. It is really easy to make assumptions that you already know why your spouse did or said something. However, life is never so simple as we try to make it in our minds. It is important to take the time to check in and make sure your perception of a situation is correct. The following cartoon helps illustrate this point.

In this comic strip we see a woman trying to help Bernie. But what exactly is she trying to help him do? Is she trying to help him to get eaten by the shark? Straightening out his leg will put his leg closer to the shark's mouth. Those that tend to ascribe the evil motivations to others will likely assume that she really wants to see Bernie get hurt and possibly killed in this situation. Then again this woman may genuinely be trying to help Bernie swim quicker to shore. She may have absolutely no comprehension that by straightening his legs, Bernie is in greater danger. In fact just the opposite, she may think that she is really helping him get safely back to shore.

So what assumptions have you been making with your spouse? Is it possible that some of the problems that you are experiencing in your marriage are based on false assumptions? Maybe not, but if there is any doubt, take the time to check in with your spouse. Ask them. Make sure you understand their perspective and be willing to admit to yourself that you might be wrong. Your marriage may benefit greatly from being willing to do this regularly.

Tuesday Tip - 02-03-2009

2009-02-03T11:59:00.006-06:00

Have you ever heard of secondary and primary emotions? A secondary emotion occurs because another emotion caused it. Anger is almost always a secondary emotion. Primary emotions that typically cause anger are fear, embarrassment, or depression. Lets look at a real life example to illustrate this further.

A wife is angry that her husband and children messed up the house while she was out. All she sees and thinks about is being angry. She has no clue what has really caused the anger, unless she takes some time to think about it. (Which reminds me of this phrase: You can't be angry when you are thinking and you can't be thinking when you are angry). She may be embarrassed to have a messy house. Or she may feel threatened because she knows that it will cost her time and energy to clean up. Or it may overwhelm her as she sees cleaning up as one more thing on her to do list.

Normally when someone expresses anger, usually others shut down and don't listen. Anger separates people. However talking about primary emotions brings people together. If she would say "I am overwhelmed when I see that I have more work to do" instead of letting off an angry tirade, the chances are greater that her husband and children will connect with her and work to solve the issue instead of shutting down.

So take some time and try to identify your primary emotion and not just react.

Our Story - Part Five

2009-02-01T09:20:00.000-06:00

Mark - A couple of Returned Missionaries in the Young Single Adults told me about their philosophy of dating. They told me about classifying all the girls into one of three pools. There was the friendship pool, there was the dating pool, and finally there was the marriage pool. The friendship pool was for any girl that at least knew your name and you knew theirs. The dating pool was for any girl that had gone out on at least one date with you. The marriage pool was for any girl that both of you have started seriously contemplating marriage. Their philosophy went further to state that it takes about ten girls to be in the friendship pool to be able to get one girl in the dating pool. And it takes about ten girls in the dating pool before finding that one right one to move into the marriage pool (and hopefully marry as well).

I figured if they were right, I'd need to meet approximately 100 girls before I ever met found the person I would marry. That was both exciting and depressing at the same time. In the Dayton area, I only knew that there was about twenty active young single adults. I knew that if it was strictly a numbers game, the possibility of finding the right person would be pretty slim. I needed to widen my search area. That is when I found out about Young Single Adult dances in Columbus and Cincinnati. What was even greater was that these dances were held different Fridays each month. That meant that I could go to three Young Single Adult dances a month and have the last Friday for a date. I pulled together a couple of the Young Single Adults that I had met and we started going together. Now my chances of meeting my wife was much greater.

Julie Beth - As the New Year approached, I made up my mind that my relationship with Von just wasn't what I thought it had been. I decided that I was going to break up with him. So imagine my surprise when I told him that we were breaking up, and he told me we were never dating. Huh??? We were never dating? Still to this day I don't get that statement. I couldn't have been so delusional. One of the two of us had been in a state of denial. Oddly enough though, a few days later, Von took me out to dinner to celebrate my birthday. But I guess I shouldn't say that was a date either.

So now here I was after spending almost a year on this "non"-relationship wondering what was next. Things were more than a little awkward at Young Single Adult meetings after our non-breakup break up. Eventually though, I settled into a regular routine. I still went to Family Home Evening group, Institute, and occasionally to the Young Single Adult dances. Who knew, maybe I would even find a guy to date who would actually agree that we were dating.

Philosphy Friday - Roll with the Punches

2009-02-01T08:59:00.003-06:00

We believe that it is important for both spouses to be flexible in marriage. Life happens, and you have to adapt. If you aren't willing to be flexible and allow yourself to be human, you will create undue stress in your relationships.

We would like to shout hey to everybody that tried to find the Philosophy Friday post the last couple of days, life happened to us. Julie Beth and the kids drove back from an emergency Orthodontist visit to Ohio. Mark was busy going to work and preparing for a 12 mile backpacking trip and Pinewood Derby. Just a few things got in the way of us getting to the post. However we didn't forget about you.

So our weekend experience is a case in point for this post. Sometimes you have to deal with what is happening and let other responsibilities slide and pick up slack for each other. This doesn't mean that your normal routines or obligations are forgotten. They are important as well. It means instead that you get back to them when humanly possible and not punish yourself mentally (or physically) when all doesn't go to plan. Life will happen, so just roll with the punches. How you deal with life together determines what kind of marriage you will have.

Tuesday Tip - 01-27-2009

2009-01-27T18:33:00.000-06:00

Today's Tip was inspired by the couple that first motivated us to start this blog. Thanks guys, I hope you are reading this.

At the last General Conference President Monson said the following during his talk Finding Joy in the Journey:

"If you are still in the process of raising children, be aware that the tiny fingerprints that show up on almost every newly cleaned surface, the toys scattered about the house, the piles and piles of laundry to be tackled will disappear all too soon and that you will—to your surprise—miss them profoundly."

If you have small children enjoy the preciousness of having them around and don't sweat the mess. The truth is we all have messy homes if we have children. It is part of the package deal.

Our Story - Part Four

2009-01-25T21:18:00.000-06:00

Mark - The Young Single Adult program really sustained me during the really early days of my membership in the church. It is where I really poured out all my time and energy outside of school. I went to Institute every week. Then I went to the Stake's Young Single adult dance each month. I loved every second of it.

I remember talking to one woman in my ward about Young Single Adults and how important it was to me. She was genuinely happy for me. However, she had wished that her own daughter had found as much excitement in Young Single Adults. Unfortunately, her daughter had fallen away from activity in the Church. It was hard for me as a new convert to understand why anyone would walk away from something as great as the Church and the Gospel. I had a new mission; to try to get the inactive Young Single Adults back into activity.

I began to become well known among the stake's Young Single Adults as a real go-getter and motivator type of person. I wanted the Young Single Adults who were active to stay active and to try to invite those that had fallen away to come back. And remember all of this came from a very shy, introvert kind of guy. Why did I put myself out there so much? Well first of all, I did believe that it was important to help fellow Young Single Adults but more than that, I really, really wanted to find my wife. She was out there somewhere and I never knew when or how I might run across her.

Julie - Von and I had been dating for awhile. However, nothing seemed to be progressing in our relationship. He really seemed like he was indecisive. And for a guy who was older than me, he seemed immature.

As Christmas approached, Von told me that he couldn't afford to get me a Christmas present. So instead, he made dinner for me at his place and we went for a drive to look at Christmas lights. It was so sweet and I really appreciated that he did something so personal for me.

Latter that holiday season, my family had a get together to exchange Christmas presents. Von came over to be a part of the festivities. I had bought him several new ties that he had really wanted. My younger sister and her husband had also gotten him a gift. We were all having fun exchanging gifts when Von said that he had a gift for me as well. He brought out a small box wrapped in Christmas paper. I was surprised since he had told me that he couldn't afford a gift.

I took the box. It didn't look like a ring box but maybe it was some other piece of jewelry. I couldn't wait to open it and find out. Imagine my surprise when I opened the box and found a charcoal briquette in tissue. Wait a minute...a charcoal briquette? A lump of coal???? What was this guy thinking? All of my family was a little stunned. Von thought it was a wonderful practical joke and did some awkward laughing. I on the other hand began to really start questioning our relationship.

Philsophy Friday - Just take the Bean

2009-01-23T16:48:00.000-06:00

We believe that it is just as important to receive compliments from your spouse as it is to give them. This philosphy goes all the way back to before we got married. You will get the extended version of the story with the Our Story feature at some point on a future Sunday. However, Julie and I were going to a counselor together. That counselor shared with us an analogy that we are excited to share with you here.

We all carry arround a bean jar with us (she actually had a bean jar in her hands as she was explaining this). The beans in the jar represent units of happiness/satisifaction that we currently have. Hopefully, the majority of the time, this jar is full or nearly full. There are many ways to fill this jar, but the one that applies here is giving and receiving compliments between spouses. For example, "Honey, you look very beautiful today." Giving this compliments passes one bean from the giver to the receiver. However, giving away a bean doesn't have to cause the giver to a lose a bean, because another bean gets created in the jar of the giver as he or she enjoys the positive feeling of giving the compliment.

Imagine though the person receiving the compliment doesn't take the bean and put his or her hand on top of the jar. In other words, they might say to the compliment of looking good today; "Oh my hair is a mess today, and I really look fat in this dress". Then, what happens to that bean? It is lost to the reciever. And the giver loses a bean because of the loss of joy from having their compliment rejected. Both lose out. Why might a person not take beans? Normally, they might do this in a warped concept of humility. However, being humble has nothing to do with not taking complements.

So having said this, you can understand one of the common phrases that we use with each other. "Honey, just take the Bean". In other words, you may not believe that you look beautiful at that moment, but to them you do. There is no need for explainations, justifications, excuses, or false humility. Just take the bean, enjoy the compliment, and allow your spouse to enjoy the gift of giving you the compliment.

Tuesday Tip - 01-20-2009

2009-01-20T07:02:00.000-06:00

Every marriage needs intimacy. You are responsible for creating half the intimacy within your relationship. The way that you do this is to remember what "in-to-me-see" means. It is nothing more than opening up the door or window to the wall that you have up to protect you from the rest of the world. Your spouse must see and understand what goes on inside your head and heart. You must take the risk of opening up. The reward for taking this risk is finding someone who will accept you (possibly all of you). It can be scary at first if you are not use to doing this but it can be exhilarating once you get through it.

Our Story - Part 3

2009-01-18T08:45:00.001-06:00

Mark - The missionary discussions went well, however I continued to be an unusual investigator. I had no trouble accepting most parts of the Gospel as it was presented to me. I struggled only on two points. I accepted Joseph Smith as a prophet (who else would have translated such an amazing set of scripture as the Book of Mormon). Yet I didn't accept that there was a modern-day prophet. Why? Well as it was explained to me, it sounded like there was a dictator that was in charge of the Church and everyone blindly followed him. I was assured that I could read and hear what he said and decide for myself if it was true. That sounded good.

Then in what was probably the most comical moment, I told the missionaries that I wasn't sure that I had a testimony. They kind of laughed and shared with me my own words that I had said to them when I first met them. They also reminded me of the prayers I had made to know the truth and the impressions I had had afterwards. There was nothing left for me to do other than to set a date for my baptism.

That day came on November 13, 1993. I was only nineteen years old at the time. I went to my baptism having no doubts or regrets at all. I knew what I was doing. It felt like it was what I had been looking for my entire life. I was so energized with new feelings that immediately after my baptism, I turned to the Elder that had baptized me and asked him it would be alright if I gave my testimony. I got that familiar amazed stare from him as he said "sure, why not?". After my confirmation, I shared with everyone what was in my heart. It was amazing even to me. But the gifts that Heavenly Father would have for me would not end there.

Afterwards, I was standing to the side shaking hands with everyone. One hand shake in particular made an immediate impact on me. It was electric in fact. I stared into the eyes of the young woman who stood before me. Something was strange, very wonderful but strange about those eyes. I never wanted to let go of her hand. I thought to myself, "Don't let go. Please don't let go", over and over. I think she finally pulled her hand away after an awkwardly long time. I tried to make sense of what happened. I thought to myself, "Was she someone I was to date?" I quickly dismissed the thought. After all she had her boyfriend standing right next to her. I felt foolish for having such a thought and dismissed the whole experience as just some strange event.

Julie - Dating Von was wonderful but confusing. It seemed like we were always spending time together and always on the phone with each other. I would go over to his apartment and cook him dinner. And he would help me with writing my college papers on his computer. At the same time though, he would say that we weren't "in a relationship". But for me actions were louder than words and certainly felt like we were in one. Why else would we hold hands and continue to spend so much time together?

One of my callings at Church during this time was to prepare the Sunday Bulletin and also make programs for baptisms if someone asked. The missionaries called to say that there was going to be a baptism and asked if I could put together a program? They also wanted to know if the Young Single Adults would come to the baptism to support the new convert as he was a young adult as well. They said that he would appreciate being welcomed to the ward and being invited to some Young Single Adult activities.

I told the missionaries that I'd be happy to do that and was given all the important information. I talked to Von and the other Young Single Adults and we all agreed to go to the baptism and show our support. We even decided afterwards, to have a little welcome party at one of the other young adult's house to watch videos and hang out.

Von and I went to the baptism together. I had never met Mark before. I was surprised by how young he looked. I thought to myself "This guy couldn't be over twelve years old" (or so he looked to me). You could really feel the Spirit during the baptism. After Mark was confirmed, everyone was a little shocked when he got up and bore his testimony. He sounded like he had been a member of the Church for years. This guy was just a little bit different.

When the baptism was over, I went up to congratulate Mark and let him know about the Young Single Adult activity. When we went to shake hands, it was like someone had hit me with a bolt of electricity. I can't remember what we talked about as I stood there looking into his eyes. I can remember thinking "would you let go of my hand" and hearing a voice in my head saying "don't let go, please don't let go". This was so confusing. What was Heavenly Father trying to tell me? I already had a boyfriend.

Philosophy Friday - How to Make Any Marriage Better

2009-01-16T15:24:00.000-06:00

We believe that anyone can make their marriage better by having Heavenly Father involved in that marriage as well. When the gift of marriage was handed off to us from God, He intended that He would be involved intimately in that relationship as well. He know the weaknesses and flaws that our relationships have. More importantly He knows how to fix it.

Now when I say this to people I usually have them say back to me "But I have prayed for help with my marriage and He hasn't been helping us". From your perspective you may not see that He is answering your prayer. However, He is limited by both you and your spouses free agency. He cannot violate both you and your spouses willingness to ignore His advice if that is what either of you want to do. The great news is that He will never give up on trying to bless both of you even you reject his gifts. Since you can't make your spouse accept help from Heavenly Father, you can only try to increase your willingness to follow His plan for your marriage. We know that as you do so, you will see miracles happen.

Tuesday Tip - 01-13-2009

2009-01-13T19:58:00.000-06:00

Today's Tuesday Tip is actually from the Generous Wife site. They send an e-mail tip every day. They also have a Generous Husband site.

Write down five things that you would like to do during your life. Ask your husband to do the same then share with each other. What can you do to help each other make those dreams come true?

A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams.

Author Unknown

Our Story - Part Two

2009-01-11T07:24:00.000-06:00

Mark - I went off to college in August of 1993. I would be living in the dorm rooms at Wright State University located in Fairborn, Ohio. By sheer luck, the university had made a mistake placing me and my roommate in a dorm room that shared a bathroom with women. So they had to move me to another one. However, the university only had a single person dorm room available for me to move me to. Normally, freshman never get these rooms but I did. The introvert in me was excited that once I got behind that door, I wouldn't need to pretend to be an outgoing person. I could be alone!

Outside my room was a completely different story. I went and did just about every social activity I could do. I met tons of new people. I made a new name for myself and shyness had nothing to do with it. Rather quickly, I had a group of friends from my dorm hall surounding me. It felt pretty good. However when it got to be too much for me, I could always slip back into my room.

I was a driven person at first. I was taking Computer Engineering classes which included Programing, Physics, Composition and Calculus. I had a full ROTC scholarship and esentially had everything paid for. I found work for spending money as a proctor for an algebra class where I taught fellow freshman students the remedials of algebra so that they could take normal set of algebra classes required of all freshman.

It was about a month into this routine that my life took a radical turn of events. I was walking from the ROTC building with a thought planted in my head that I needed to find a Church to go to. I had gone to Methodist and Prespitarian churches in the past and had made an intense study of the Bible the year before. By chance, there were two missionaries from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints standing out in the parking lot when I thinking about joining a church. I walked straight up to them (because I was in my extrovert mode outside my dorm room). I saw that they had a Book of Mormon in their hand. I told them that I knew about the Book of Mormon and I that I believed it was the Word of God.

Now you got to understand what just happened there in what I just described. This was two Mormon missionaries that are use to constantly having doors slammed in their faces and being ignored by the majority of people. Not only did someone come to them first, but this someone walked up and told them that the cornerstone of their faith was true. Why did I say that? I knew it was true. Two months earlier I had finshed reading the Bible. I had an impression that God would not just give revelation that was in the Bible. I figured that there was more that he revealed on earth. I found a Book of Mormon that our family had been given and read the statements of the witnesses in the front section. It was enough to convince me that I had found more of God's revealed truth. As you can imagine, the missionaries were excited to have found me and promptly made an appointment to come see me.

Julie Beth - While I was waiting for "Mr. Right" to show up, I kept myself busy by attending Institute classes and being involved with the Young Single Adult group in my church. I really enjoyed Institute. I took the time to really enjoy the scriptures and the Gospel. It helped me to stay focused on the type of person that I really wanted to marry. It could have been easy to settle for something less then my requirements for a husband but I knew that I wouldn't be happy.

It was good to have a strong group of friends who had the same standards that I did. I knew that Heavenly Father wanted me to be happy. And that if I just kept the right things, in His due time, He would send Mr. Right to me.

One night I got a call. There was a new guy in our Young Single Adult group who was interested in attending Institute. We agreed that he would pick me up and I would show him where classes were located. It seemed like fate had dealt me a lucky hand.

We started out as "just friends". But quickly grew to like each other and started going out on dates, attending Institute together each week, and going to Church dances. I did have to overlook the fact, that he wasn't Eagle Scout (one of my requirements for my husband). However, he was talking about going on a mission. So things were looking up and my dreams were coming true after all.

Philosphy Friday - Learn How to be a Good Spouse

2009-01-09T19:06:00.000-06:00

We believe that you must learn how to have a good marriage. It just doesn't happen. Too many people believe that finding the right person is all that is required. Conversely if they are in a bad marriage it is because they married the wrong person. This is far from the truth. We are here to say that living happily ever after is a fairy tale. To be in a good marriage means that you consistently work hard at it. Part of the reason that we started this blog is to share skills that can help you and your beloved spouse to love each other better. Please keep coming back. Feel free to comment and share skills that you have learned so that we can all get better at our marriages. If you know of good places to go to get advice, please share it with all of us.

Tuesday Tip 01-06-2008

2009-01-06T07:13:00.000-06:00

The beginning of the year is a time that we all typically think about the future and make plans for the upcoming year. This is a good time to sit down with your spouse to plan out your future year together. You want to plan things like what will you do special for your anniversary. Plan for the holidays next year. Maybe one of you wants to go back to school. Maybe you would like to go on more dates. Make a plan on how you will accomplish this. Then get a calendar just for the two of you and start putting these plans on the calendar. It is alright if your plans don't work out for one reason or another. However, if you don't plan ahead, you can guarantee that even less of what you would like to see happen will happen.

Our Story - Part One

2009-01-04T08:30:00.000-06:00

Mark - Growing up I always wanted to have a family and to be a father. I didn't have any plans on how many children I would have. I just assumed that I would have three children like my parents did. The person that I would marry would be a good mother and someone that I really enjoyed being around. Beyond that I didn't know much about what I was looking for.

I didn't become interested in dating in High School until my junior year. But once I made the decision to date, I jumped in with two feet. I tried everything I knew. I passed notes to girls in class. I would ask them for their phone numbers. I would talk to them for hours on the phone. I even asked a couple of them out. However no one ever seemed to be that interested in me. After awhile, I began to wonder if anyone every would be interested in me.

I tried another strategy when I was a senior. I tried dating a couple of freshman girls. Both were disasters. Each was too immature for any kind of real relationship. Neither lasted more than a couple of months. I was sure no one else older was interested in me. So I spent all the dances (including the prom) at home and alone.

So finding a high school sweetheart was now out of the picture. I began considering my prospects once I went off to college. I figured that I'd have a much better chance there. I started counting the benefits of waiting until I was in college. First no one would know me there. No one would know of my embarrassing social past. Second I could pretend to be someone that I wasn't. That was a big plus. I knew no one would be interested in the way I was. I figured that a radical change in who I was would work out better for me. So I waited out my time in High School and counted to the day that I would move far away from everyone in my home town.

Julie - At the age of four, I thought that you were suppose to grow up and marry your Mother's best friend's son. It's what I saw frequently on TV shows and movies. It also probably helped that the boy that I first had a crush on was my best friend and of course was my Mother's best friend's son.

As I got older, I realized that this wasn't a practical plan. I discovered that best friends don't like kissing someone they think of as their sister. And I always seemed to be the girl that my guy friends liked to hang out with as a friend, but nothing more. (See guys you aren't the only ones that get the line "Let's just be friends".)

I also had another complication in finding the right guy to marry. I knew that I wanted to be married to someone who loved the Gospel and the Church that I loved so much. A friend of mine (yeah you guessed it, one of the guys that I liked but I was just someone to give advice to, not to date) told me that I should never settle for anything less than an Eagle Scout and return missionary from our Church. I knew he was right. Unfortunately, there didn't seem to be a whole lot of these in Ohio. So I didn't date a whole lot in high school. Then I didn't date a whole lot in college. In fact, at one point I went five years without a date, because there was no one I was interested in dating that was interested in dating me. I wondered if I would ever find someone to date let alone marry.

Philosophy Friday - Who's responsible for our happiness?

2009-01-02T15:07:00.000-06:00

We believe that we are responsible first and foremost for our own happiness. Then when we are happy, we have the special opportunity to share with our spouse the source of that happiness. Ironically, at times it may be something that our spouse did that "made us happy". But being happy is still our responsibility. For example, snuggling with Julie Beth last night made me really happy. However, could I have had another reaction? Sure… I could have been annoyed if say, I wanted to watch TV instead or if I thought that she was being "too needy".

When I view myself as being responsible for my happiness I have no reason to be annoyed or angry with Julie Beth when I am unhappy. Further, I don't need to waste any of my energy wishing or hoping that my wife will be different. Instead when I am unhappy, I start looking at myself to figure out what I am doing wrong. It prevents a lot of resentment from building up between the two of us.

Welcome to Eternal Helpmates

2009-01-01T13:05:00.000-06:00

If you’re reading this we are very grateful. We don’t consider ourselves experts, but we do feel that we have a lot to share. We hope that by sharing the ideas that we have, we can help you to find joy and fulfillment in your marriage. And we would love to hear your ideas as well, tell us what has worked for you, or what hasn’t. Together we will all grow as couples and help strengthen one another.

President Gordon B. Hinckley: “A good marriage requires time. It requires effort. You have to work at it. You have to cultivate it. You have to forgive and forget. You have to be absolutely loyal one to another” (“Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 4).